I am sitting here, staring at a blank screen, looking at the dreaded curser that does not move. The words do not transcribe from my brain down to my fingertips and onto the keyboard. I find myself here often, frozen and unsure of how to pour my thoughts out of my mind and into words on a page.

My thoughts focus on a projected narrative of my message being perceived differently than intended. The fear of failure and not being accepted. I am faced with the realization that sometimes my perfectionism comes out when I want to share parts of myself with others.

The act of ‘putting yourself out there’ can be a challenging experience for many people as it plays into our vulnerabilities and fears. When the risk of not being accepted comes to the table, this can add to any perfectionistic tendencies we may have. For perfectionists, this can be extra challenging when the risk of not being accepted comes with it, and often what comes up next is procrastination and avoidance. Because if we do not begin, we can not be at risk of doing it wrong. Procrastination can be a little internal rebellion against getting things done perfectly or not at all.

By finding new and creative ways to justify not writing and not sharing with others, I know I can find adequate justification for my lack of writing. I am busy, like many of us out there, with many different things going on in my life - I have two businesses, my private practice (Soul Flow Therapy), and I am a co-owner of Tri-Cities Gracie Jiu-Jitsu. So who am I kidding? I have a ton of other things to focus on. But I am left at a disservice to myself as the thoughts are still in there and have not been shared. A study by Flett, G.L., Hewitt, P.L., and Martin, T.R. (1995) noted that there was a “role of perfectionistic standards in procrastination”. They state the “common belief about the nature of procrastination is that it stems from excessively high standard-setting behaviour” (p. 113).

So what is perfectionism? The Myriam Webster Dictionary online defines perfectionism simply as “ a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable.” Perfectionism isn’t just having high standards, it is an unrealistic expectation or desire to be perfect. To not make any mistakes or have any perceived flaws. The Myriam Webster Dictionary online defines procrastination as an action “to put off intentionally the doing of something that should be done”. So what we get is that to minimize making mistakes and trying to be ‘perfect’, procrastination can emerge to avoid the things we don’t want to do unless they are what we deem as ‘perfect’.

What I have come to realize is that I am not alone in this cycle - having an idea to share, wanting to connect, then the fear of failure steps in, leading to disconnection through procrastination. After many conversations with my husband, we came up with a plan. That I would share this ‘perfectionist who procrastinates ‘part of myself with the world. It is intimidating but surprisingly liberating to step forward into the unknown.

Sometimes, when I feel stuck, I can be resistant to doing the work that I know will help me. However, I also know that that is ok, as it is a part of the process. To reach out to your boundaries, feel the pressure of their containment, push past them, and feel the surge of creative flow. It is a cycle of growth and progress that I repeat, time and time again.

This post is definitely not perfect, but sometimes just sharing your experience is exactly what is needed.

Until next time,

- Bethany